Day 4 of Radvent 2010 is all about Forgiveness, which is one thing I am terrible at.

 

[Source: Princess Lasertron]

It’s hard to come out of a place of resentment, and it takes practice (just like everything). Practice forgiving about small, everyday things. You can always non-forgive later. Who and what are you ready to let go of resentment toward?

I never used to be able to hold a grudge. My best mate in high school after a falling out would sigh, roll her eyes and remind me that, “Duh! We’re not talking because we’re fighting, remember?”… oh, right.

Then one day, it was different. Once people did wrong by me, they were gone. A little harsh, maybe, but people kept taking advantage of me or treating me poorly and I guess that was my coping mechanism.

I have done this to a few too many people in my life, and not all of them deserved such harsh treatment. I have been stubborn and self-righteous, and yes, I have been wrong about some things (on many more occasions than I care to admit).

But the funny thing is that I really don’t want to forgive some people.  So how can I ask forgiveness of others for my wrongs when I refuse to try to forgive them for the wrongs they have done by me? It’s a bit rich, really. But there’s just too much hurt with some things to let them go.

Meg quoted some Deepak Chopra (I tend to avoid anything you find in the self-help aisle in the bookshop like the plague), but it’s interesting:

“You must realize that everyone is doing the best they can from their own state of consciousness.”

I know that I have been doing the best I can in my conduct with people, and sometimes I bugger it up. It’s just interesting to think that it’s the same way for others…

I am going home in a few weeks, and will try to atone for stuff I can’t even remember with two friends, in particular. But in truth, I never really truly knew what the falling out was all about. A wedding was involved and I tried to participate, yet I always felt stymied.

I didn’t end up attending, but I really wished I had miraculously had a few thousand to fly home and do so.

And I am most likely the one at fault, but I honestly can’t pinpoint what I did that was so horrendous. I like to learn from my mistakes, but it’s tough to just rock up into town and say “I have four hours, so start talking!”.  It adds to the confusion, vagueness and hesitancy of seeing them. Nevertheless, I think about them all the time and miss having them in my life.

Sometimes you just have to confront things head-on, right?