Plans were made a while ago, now, around pizza and diet soda when both of us were missing home, missing our families and needing some space from constantly being around each other. A holiday from the holiday. Some time alone. A reboot. And then it happened. The day arrived where two big jets would take the American and I in completely opposite directions.
A big, ugly jet just took the love of my life far away from me, from South East Asia. This is not the first time such a thing has happened, and it won’t be the last, I’m sure. But that doesn’t alter the fact I’m still melancholy. He’s my best mate, and we have spent every waking moment with each other for months on end. It’s odd not to have him around. I miss him more than I imagined I would.
My plane has yet to arrive, so I’ve been wandering the three terminals at Changi for hours, thinking, feeling, and embracing the sadness. I feel vulnerable right now. I feel exposed, highly visible and alone. It reads on my face, in my body language. I can’t ascertain if I am hungry or just feel as though I should be.
This trip to South East Asia has been so hard and it’s taken a lot out of both of us. Somewhere in the nexus of the Unites States, Australia and Thailand, my sense of self went AWOL. I have forgotten what it feels like to just be me. To consider my own needs and wants, and not have to compromise. To understand what it is that my heart truly desires, and what I seek to achieve, what brings me satisfaction. When your sense of self is tied up in someone else, they are unable to bring you happiness, irrespective of what they do. I have fallen into the habit of not thinking for myself, and ignoring my own needs.
This next month or two of life is about reconnecting with myself. I need to be ‘cool’ with myself again. My journey starts here, in Changi Airport. Alone. I’m on a mission to return home to Sydney and to reconnect with my loved ones. But I’m also there to work on reconnecting with myself. I am so grateful to be able to drop everything and do this, and I am lucky to have a partner as phenomenal as the American. Supportive, encouraging and wise.
They say that all hearts require absence to make them grow fonder. This is our aim, and we hope in the meantime to make ourselves into better versions of ourselves. I hope we succeed.